Discernment

On the heels of Toxic Town, we have all experienced one of those characters once or twice.  Women have a very keen sense or gut instinct when it comes to letting someone into our lives.  We are kinda like dogs in that regard.  My sweet little pup, Briley, is a great judge of character.

Briley, judging me ha.ha

Briley, will immediately let you know where you stand in her house.  Sometimes her judgement is wrong but, most of the time she is spot on.  It’s kinda hard to use the word, judgement, when we as Christians should not do such a thing.  Here are my two cents for what it’s worth.  We must use our “good” judgement to protect our families, friends and of course, ourselves.  There are some pretty toxic people out there who are ready to attack and destroy your happy little life to benefit whatever need they’re trying to fulfill.  The toxic people will go after the weaker link for sure and it will happen so quickly, it will leave you dumbfounded.  Then all those feelings of guilt will consume you because you didn’t see the red flags and soon, you will fall into one of those Toxic Town roles.  So, what you need to do is, find that inner Briley and if there is a bad feeling about someone, you must speak up.  There is a nice way to do this and there is the toxic way to do this.

1 Thes 5:21 (Phi) “By all means use your judgment, and hold on to whatever is good.”

The nice way:

Your husband/boyfriend gets a new job.  You have met everyone in the office and you feel respected by his colleagues.  The company hires someone new who automatically gives you a weird vibe.  Super sweet to your face but, weird nevertheless.  You start hearing office gossip that this particular person has proved to be a Floozy Lucy.

Oh Angela

Not that you don’t trust your husband/boyfriend but, that gut instinct is beginning to make you a bit paranoid.  This is where you should immediately state your dissatisfaction to your partner.  If your partner cares enough about your feelings, whether it be an insecure feeling or a plain dislike, he should understand and take proper precautions to make you feel secure.  It can so easily happen the other way around too.  This is why you should state your dissatisfaction in a loving, non-invasive way.  I know when this has happened to me, my insecurity with myself led to a very accusing fight.  My poor husband had done nothing wrong and I was accusing him of looking the other direction.  Fear based fights are such a waste of time.  So the nice way is, to state your opinion immediately before the toxicity takes over you and your partner.  If you feel that you will be too emotional when explaining this concern, then write it down and give it to him.  If you feel like he will be dismissive, then write it down and tell him how important this is to you and your relationship.  Ask him to pray with you about the situation.

1 Cor 4:5 (Phi) “The moral of this is that we should make NO hasty or premature judgments.”

The toxic way:

Same scenario but, this time you take your gut instinct and turn into fear.  Fear, will drive you straight to toxic town.  You don’t say anything because you feel as if you will be nagging or psycho.  Your stomach is constantly turning because your instincts are correct but, you would rather suppress them than express them.  Here comes Bitter Betty and the rest is history.  Men don’t understand the emotional roller coster and after they are accused harshly over and over again they will either stop listening to the brutal words coming out of your mouth, leave, or cross the line.  Then who wins?  Definitely not your relationship.

Women tend to have that natural intuition that I like to call Discernment.  Discernment is the power to see what is not evident to the average mind.  This is a God-given gift and should be used accordingly.  This is not to be confused with criticism.  Criticism, unless asked for, makes you look and sound self-righteous.

John 7:24 (Phi) “You must not judge by the appearance of things but by the reality!”

Trust your gut, and leave the rest up to God.  Like Briley, sometimes your gut instincts will be wrong.  That’s why it’s very important to not burn bridges by your criticism.

“We must be careful not to harm.  Love must be our motivation, or it will be false discernment.  Our motivation will reveal if our discernment is counterfeit or genuine.” by Joe Contaldi Ministries.  I think that pretty much sums it up.

Bitter Betty, Gossip Garnet and Bible-Beating Bonnie tend to not use discernment.  They like to use their criticism and pretend they are using their discernment.

An example of this is:

Bitter Betty and Bible-Beating Bonnie are having lunch with Gossip Garnet.

Bible-Beating Bonnie, Gossip Garnet and Bitter Betty.

When a  woman walks in to the restaurant that seems a little disheveled and is having a hard time keeping herself together for whatever reason.

Disheveled Lady

Gossip Garnet, in her I’m-too-good- for-you attitude, scoffs at the woman.  Bitter Betty and Bible-Beating Bonnie are eager to join in on Gossip Garnet’s disdain.  “How could anyone go out in public like that,” snips Bitter Betty.

“I don’t know, her husband probably is sleeping with his secretary,” the confident Gossip Garnet replies.

“Bless her heart, she must not be living a very Christian life,” says Bible-Beating Bonnie.

The three spend the next few minutes laughing and coming up with all the scenarios that this poor woman maybe going through.  The woman unfortunately  sits next to them, texting frantically on her phone with big tears in her eyes.  As the three Toxic Town Queens (a.k.a. T.T. Queens) talk smack about this poor woman, who can’t even defend herself, she drops her phone on the ground shattering it.  The T.T. Queens start laughing uncontrollably trying not to look at the poor soul next to them.  As the three get up to leave, after stiffing the waitress, Bible-Beating Bonnie decides she is going to give the lady a little advice.  Bible-Beating Bonnie reaches in her tattered purse and pulls out a gospel tract and lays it in front of the woman, smiles and says, “I will be praying for you”.

Some of you may think, whats wrong with that.  The T.T. Queens clearly knew this woman was in need of a friendly gesture yet, they talked smack and decided to pass judgment on her.  How could this have been different?  If the T.T. Queens were stripped of their crowns, they would have invited her over to their table to love her and cheer her up.  If that would have seemed uncomfortable, they would have helped her pick up her smashed phone off the ground.  If that was to much to handle, then maybe they would have at least given a genuine smile and said hello.

Smile :0)

In an earlier post, I talk about small acts of kindness.  These small acts of kindness don’t mean that you have to spend money.  It means be the sweet, gentle person God intended you to be.  We have God that judges us and that should be enough judgment for anyone.  We all need to step back and realize we are all trying to do our best with what we have.  We, however, are the only ones who can choose to love or hate.  I choose to love.  My life hasn’t always been like this though.  When I was stuck in Toxic Town, I too, was a Queen.  Not a very soul fulfilling role to take on, believe me.  My challenge to you is, make eye contact with everyone you come in contact with.  Smile and if there is an opportunity to open a door, help someone to their car with their groceries, surprise someone with bake goods, or give a good book that you have already read to someone, take that opportunity to give back.  Oh, and one more thing…unless, you have something good to say about a stranger, keep your comments to yourself.

When in doubt, always ask yourself, am I being discerning, judgmental, or critical?  If it’s either of the last two, then sit back and put yourself in their shoes.  We have become a world that sits behind our electronic devices to communicate, so therefore, have lost the very communication skills to make all of this happen.  Let’s slow this trend down and reach out to our neighbor, with love and a smile.